Eating lunch in the what???

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This blog is dedicated to sharing the various manifestations of being bullied and having been the bullying aggressor, and what all of us can do to change our culture's norm of harming others. 

The topic of bullying is an emotionally-charged one, and as you will learn from future posts, I take a no-holds-barred, hard-hitting approach on how to stop the needless harm to so many people.  I offer ways to support not only targets and provide options to heal from their pain, but to reach out to aggressors, and help them explore the feelings behind the behaviors so new healthier coping strategies can be learned to replace the ones that harm others. 

My expertise is personal and professional.  I am a bullying survivor, so I have an intimate understanding of being on the receiving end of tormenting behaviors.  As a New York State Licensed Mental Health Counselor, I have the unique perspective of having provided counseling to bullying survivors as well as to those persons who have bullied others.  I have a comprehensive understanding of how bullying affects everyone, including the impact it has on people many, many years afterwards.

I hope you'll join me as an advocate or ambassador to stop the senselessness.  There's strength in numbers, you know.  I'm grateful to have you with us.

(Read my personal story and you'll understand the title of the blog.)



(c) Copyright 2012-2014 Robyn Posson King.  All Rights Reserved.

Eating Lunch in the Bathroom: My Story

I have a unique perspective on and experience with the issue of bullying. 

I am a bullying survivor.  I know first-hand how it feels and the sense of helplessness when you're not protected, not believed, and the behavior doesn't stop. 

I was bullied almost every day from 5th through 8th grades.  My breasts began to develop at age 10 (obviously much sooner than my peers), and I was the constant target of unwanted attention, ridicule, touching and physical contact.  I cried every morning and begged my mother to not send me to school.  I came home crying every afternoon, feeling lonely, dirty and scared.  

Fifth grade was the year that we started taking showers after gym.  The thought of getting undressed in front of my peers made me physically ill, but the gym teacher mandated that any one of us must report back to him if anyone didn't take a shower.  I had no choice.  I didn't want to be tattled on and be humiliated by Mr. Miller's stern lecture about hygiene. 

I was the center of attention when I took my blouse off in front of the other girls.  Some were obvious and hovered around me while others passively looked on, all trying to get a peep at my breasts.  I tried to keep a towel around me so they couldn't see, but obviously they got an eyefull when I got under the water.  I saw them staring, pointing and giggling.  One girl called me a freak.  I remember trying to make my body look smaller by crouching and turning away.  What I really wanted was to be invisible.

One day after my post-gym shower, I went to my locker and saw that my bra was missing.  I frantically looked everywhere, wanting to burst into tears.  I panicked because I had worn a red-and-white gingham button-up blouse, and knew that it would be obvious if I didn't have my bra on.  One girl called to me from the bathroom, where I found my bra floating in the toilet, completely soaked.  I didn't know what to do.  I was late getting back to class, and was so humiliated and upset.  I knew I would get in trouble no matter which way I turned.

So I went to the school nurse to ask for help, and she scolded me for not putting a lock on my locker and I needed to get back to my class.  Unable (and unwilling) to put the wet bra on, I went back to class, folding my arms across my chest.  Mrs. Livingston was angry that I was so late.  The girls had told the boys what had happened, and everyone in the class stared at me and laughed under their breath.

My eyes are welling up even now as I recall this story. 

Girls weren't the only ones who hurt me.  Boys would walk behind and snap the back of my bra.  Others would say loudly (in a crowded hallway), "Thorpe stuffs her bra!"  In the lunch room, one boy came up behind me and grabbed one of my breasts.  I was horrified and humiliated.  When I told on him, he and his buddies had a good laugh, but I was admonished by the monitor for "causing a fuss" and was made to sit next to her for the rest of lunch period.  I was also sent to the principal's office, where I got a good talking to. 

No matter how many times it happened and the number of times I complained, the principal treated this matter as a "boys will be boys" behavior:

"Well, you do look different than your peers and are a source of interest.  That can't be helped." 
"They don't mean anything by it, they're just teasing." 
 "You're much too sensitive, Robyn.  You need to get a thicker skin." (The 11-year-old me had no idea what that meant.) 

Teachers accused me of seeking attention. 

Shame on them for not protecting me. 

(Oddly, this looks just like me.)

If you can believe it, moving up to the middle school was worse.  To avoid the daily verbal taunting and unwanted physical contact in the under-supervised cafeteria, I ate lunch every day in the girls’ bathroom, second floor, last stall.  I really did.

My mother was my staunchest advocate.  She called the parents of a boy who bothered me relentlessly in sixth grade.  He said he'd leave me alone if I let him see my boobs.  Mom said in her most assertive tone, "My daughter has had enough.  She will not show her breasts to anyone, including your son.  If he doesn't stop bothering her immediately, I will bring legal action against you and your husband."  The next day (and every day thereafter), that boy didn't even look my way.  Go Mom.

As I enjoyed a short reprieve and began to feel less singled-out, other boys stepped in and took over those horrible behaviors.  Middle school was Absolute Hell for me and I have very few fond memories of that time.  Imagine my relief when the bullying all but disappeared in high school...probably because all of my female peers had breasts by then too.  However, the self-consciousness that developed as a result of what physically identifies me as female lives on to this day.

(Wish I'd had her confidenceback then.)

I also suffered relentless bullying as an obese adult.  I was mistreated repeatedly by people who didn’t know me.  They knew nothing of my membership in Phi Beta Kappa, my expertise as a skilled and seasoned Master’s level mental health counselor, my integrity and good work ethic, how much I adore my family, and the peace and catharsis I get from tending to my English garden.  And yet, bullies treated me as though I wasn't human.   The emotional torture, psychological abuse, unwanted touching, taunting, threats and epithets were slung my way on a daily basis.  I was frightened, humiliated, and emotionally beaten down.  It felt like middle school all over again. 

On the other side of this coin, I have many years of professional experience providing counseling to bullying targets.  As a mental health professional, I’ve heard countless heart-wrenching stories of how people are purposely hurt and humiliated by others.  It’s often difficult to keep myself from crying when targeted people share their torment.  Many turn to drugs, alcohol and shopping to numb their feelings and attempt to wipe away memories.  (Food was my substance of choice.  No surprise.)  Some targets become bullies themselves.  Others get involved in abusive relationships.  

I’ve also provided counseling to people who have bullied others.  It didn’t surprise me when I learned that these “bullies” weren’t horrible, awful people per se; they were in just as much emotional pain as their targets.  They came from environments where they were abused, ignored, shamed, and mistreated.  They were scared, unsure, and had extremely low self-esteem, too.  The difference is that they used bullying behaviors as a way to cope with their deep-seated pain and feelings of inadequacy.

 

I am always profoundly impacted by the insidious pain because I’ve been there myself.  It's tragic for all parties involved.

The irony is, though, that bullying can be prevented.  Bullying behaviors can be unlearned, and humane ways of treating others can be taught at any age.  Having this complete view of the profound, detrimental and long-lasting psychosocial impact bullying has on everyone involved has served me well in my research and in developing a research-based comprehensive civility-building program initiative which will be piloted on community colleges across the United States.

A culture of acceptance and respecting our fellow humans is within our reach.  This fills me with hope and energizes me to take action every day in my little corner of the universe.  My dream is to have the influence, financial means and support to make a difference in building a bully-free world where no one has to ever eat lunch in the bathroom.  

(c) Copyright 2013-2014 Robyn Posson King.  All Rights Reserved.

Bullying on College Campuses: A Primer

In years’ past, the topic of bullying on college campuses has been minimized or completely overlooked, contrary to the consistent national attention brought to the problem’s prevalence in middle and high schools.  (The sparse amount of research done on college bullying supports this view.) 

There is an inaccurate assumption that bullying behaviors end with high school graduation, assuming that students are more mature, exercise more foresight (impacting the behavior-consequences dichotomy), and become more socially appropriate and accepting of others.  Unfortunately, this is not always the case.  The fact of the matter is that adult bullying exists, and occurs in the hallowed halls of our institution every day.

RESEARCH

Seung Hui Cho, Virginia Tech shooter

Mark Chapell and colleagues concludes that “…bullying by students and teachers is a fairly common problem in college.”  My own research and personal and professional experience support this view.  Given the serious and long-term negative mental health consequences associated with being bullied, the fact that bullied students have been associated with lethal retaliatory violence in American secondary schools, and that as many as one million American college students may be carrying guns and other weapons on campus on a regular basis, it is recommended that the issue of bullying on college campuses receive greater attention and implement proactive procedures. (“Bullying in College by Students and Teachers,” 2004)

Defining bullying in terms that most people can understand, and explaining the long-term, devastating psychosocial effects that result from being bullied will assist me in the development of an innovative prevention program to stop bullying from being commonplace on community college campuses around the country. 

DEFINITION

When bullying behaviors are not specifically and globally defined, not only in society as a whole, but also in a college’s policies and/or the Student Code of Conduct, people who've witnessed or have been on the receiving end of repeated, unwarranted and denigrating treatment can’t agree on how to label it.   In their policies and Student Codes of Conduct, many colleges use the narrow terms “harassment,” “threat of harm,” and “hazing” instead of the overarching term of “bullying.”  These specific aggressive acts constitute only part of how bullying behaviors are manifested.

Bullying is defined as repeated, intentional behaviors that involve a real or perceived imbalance of power, which are meant to instill fear, intimidation and self-loathing in another person, where the target has difficulty stopping the behavior directed at them, and struggles to defend themselves. (National Bullying Prevention Center)

Components of bullying include:

1)      Physical abuse:  Episodes of aggressive behavior, usually resulting in physical injury; being held against one’s will; touching a person without permission

2)      Psychological abuse:  Mistreatment intended to cause mental or emotional pain or injury:  Rejecting, degrading, terrorizing, isolating, corrupting/exploiting

3)      Verbal abuse :  The use of epithets or other demeaning words meant to belittle

4)      Defamation:  False statements that injure another’s reputation and exposes him to public contempt, hatred, ridicule or condemnation

5)      Exclusion: Being ignored, left out on purpose, or not allowed to join in

6)      Threats:  Being made afraid of getting hurt, maimed or killed and/or the same threats targeted toward family and loved ones

7)      Extortion:  Obtaining money and property under force and duress

8)      Academic Sabotage:  Purposeful vandalism directed against any academic endeavor or equipment

9)      Theft: Stealing money and property

10)  Defamation of property: The willful abuse and damage to one’s belongings

11)  Use of technology to bully:  Use of communication technologies intended to harm another person

PSYCHOSOCIAL EFFECTS

Chapell and colleagues state that college bullying is often ignored until it reaches violent consequences. “There’s a … lack of awareness in higher education to the nature, the scope and the impact of bullying,” he said. (Bullying, 2004)  That's an understatement.

Some people are lucky enough to go through higher education without bearing the brunt of being bullied, but those who have not been so fortunate are left scarred by the torment that they have endured.  Bullying has the ability to permanently change personalities.  Survivors are psychologically impacted, often experiencing depression, paranoia, isolation and, in extreme cases, suicide (now termed "bullycide" by the media).

Being the repetitive target of bullying damages one’s ability to view oneself as a worthy, desirable, capable and effective individual.  Psychosocial effects include (but are not limited to):

·         Low self-esteem

·         Feelings of worthlessness

·         Hopelessness about the future

·         Depression

·         Suicidal ideation and/or attempts

·         Fear of coming to campus, specific classes, or certain places

·         A general feeling of being unsafe and unprotected wherever they go

·         Lethal retaliatory violence

In many cases, students feel forced to drop out of college because feel they are not getting the protection and support they need from the institution to fight the problem, and therefore the option of higher education is abandoned.  Retention and completion rates are consequently negatively impacted.  In extremely rare cases, violent, horrific tragedies like those at Virginia Tech and Oikos University occur.

WHAT CAN BE DONE?

My philosophy is that colleges need to take a more proactive approach in protecting every campus member from being abused…or worse.  Here’s my plan:

Create a campus culture of zero-tolerance:

• Distinguish bullying behaviors from other student conduct and personnel incidents, and establish separate sanctions for dealing with these situations.  (On our campus, student bullying currently comes under the category of "Threat of Harm.”)
• Support funding and resources to develop and implement a comprehensive prevention program.  Campus constituents should be mandated to participate in the training to recognize bullying in and outside the classroom, how to submit an accurate incident report, how to refer a target to counseling services in a private and sensitive manner, and identifying the signs of depression in themselves and others.  (For students, these trainings are to be repeated every semester and during Fall Institute Week for faculty, staff and administration.)
• Bullying behaviors must be reported immediately, and expeditious, serious consequences will be executed to address the behaviors of the person who bullies, and support and protect the target.  Counseling will be provided for targets and "bullies" alike.
• Recognize and reward acts of kindness and respect.

CONCLUSION

Because we operate in loco parentis on our campus, it is our responsibility to teach more socially-acceptable interpersonal skills and behaviors where they don't exist or haven't been learned.  It is equally our obligation to take a proactive stand against bullying behaviors by separating them into specific categories for the Student Code of Conduct and college personnel policies.  Creating new language and sanctions to protect the psychosocial health and academic endeavors of our students, colleagues and community will strengthen our stand...and our campuses.  

QUESTION:  Does your campus or place of employment specify bullying behaviors in its code of conduct?  Have you seen someone being bullied?  Have you been the target of bullying?  Are you (or have you been) a person who bullied others?

Works Cited

Bullying in College by Students and Teachers.  Chapell, Mark; Casey, Diane; De la Cruz, Carmen; Ferrell, Jennifer; Forman, Jennifer; Lipkin, Randi; Newsham, Megan; Sterling, Michael; Whittaker, Suzanne.  Adolescence, Spring 2004, Vol. 39 Issue 153, p. 53-64.

National Bullying Prevention Center website.  http://www.pacer.org/bullying/resources/info-facts.asp

(c) 2012-2014 Robyn Posson King.  All Rights Reserved.

Calvin's battle with bullying (20 years ago...)

Calvin and Hobbes 1.30.95
(c) Robyn M. King 2015.  All Rights Reserved.

Bus Driver Bullies Child...WTF?

Photo Source

Watching this video makes me physically, emotionally and spiritually ill.  With all of the work we're doing to address bullying-- educating people (especially children) how to behave and interact with civility, understanding and kindness--this woman is only one example of how some adults make the task so very difficult.

I think the school superintendent gave a poor interview, and although the reporter asked her repeatedly if the child was being bullied by the adult, the superintendent skirted the question.  Instead, she describes the bus driver's behavior as "immature," and "childish."  

As of this morning (April 3, 2014), the bus driver has been fired.  Why it didn't happen immediately makes me scratch my head in wonder.

What are your thoughts? 

(c) Copyright 2014 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Couldn't have said it better myself: Bullying Has Long-Term Health Effects

I'm eager to share this story which Lynette Holloway wrote about a new study on how bullying behaviors in childhood can impact them as adults...which is the focus of my own research.  I invite you to share your impressions on this timely subject in the comments section below.

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Jonathan Martin

Last spring, Miami Dolphins lineman Jonathan Martin (pictured) wrote his mother a tormented message.

“I was sobbing in a rented yacht bathroom,” Martin wrote to his mother after he was bullied last spring, the Miami Herald reports.

“I’m never gonna change,” continued Martin, who took time off from the team as a result of bullying. “I got punked again today. Like a little b—-. And I never do anything about it,” the Herald reports. At one point, according to the story, Martin, who is Black, chalked up his acceptance of bullying “to white private school conditioning,” where he learned to turn “the other cheek.”

Unfortunately, Martin, who reportedly suffers from symptoms of depression, may be on to something. A new study shows that students who were the victims of bullying have worse mental and physical health, more symptoms of depression and lower self-worth and the symptoms appears to last into adulthood, NBC News reports, citing a new study.

The study, published in “Monday’s Pediatrics” shows that the impact of bullying can manifest into mental and physical health problems that grow over time, NBC News reports.

childrenshospital.org

Researchers from the Division of General Pediatrics at Boston Children’s Hospital followed 4,297 children in Los Angeles; Birmingham, Ala.; and Houston, Texas at three points: fifth, seventh, and 10th grades, the report says. Students were asked about bullying and they were asked to complete questionnaires that looked for symptoms of depression, low self-esteem and poor physical health.

moundcreekranch.com

Students who were bullied showed high levels of depressive symptoms, low self-worth and more problems with basic physical activity, the report says. The longer bullying occurred, the symptoms heightened over time. While 10th graders complained of problems, for example, kids who also experienced bullying in the fifth and seventh grades reported the worst symptoms. Nearly half of the students, who were bullied over long stretches of time, exhibited poor psychological health at a rate that was seven times higher than kids who were never bullied, the report says.

“We’re seeing that the effects of bullying get worse over time,” Dr. Laura Bogart, a social psychologist in the Division of General Pediatrics at Boston Children’s Hospital and lead author on the study, told NBC News. “This gives more evidence that it’s important to intervene early.”

(c) Copyright Robyn King 2014.  All Rights Reserved.

A teachable moment...or crossing the line?

barbvalasco.blogspot.com

It's always difficult for me to hear stories of how people mistreat each other.  

This story, however, hit me most strongly because it involves a kindergarten teacher whose methods of dealing with an aggressive child landed her in court and lost her job.

When parents send their kids off to school, they expect that they will be protected and kept safe.  This story is (in agreement with the judge in this clip), a parent's worst nightmare.

Watch the video (about 7 minutes) and leave your comments below.  

What do you think...
Was this truly a teachable moment, where the little boy learned what being bullied felt like?
Or did the teacher cross the line?

leadershipfreak.wordpress.com

http://abcnews.go.com/2020/video/teacher-cross-line-22530010






(c) Copyright Robyn King 2014.  All Rights Reserved.

"I couldn't take it anymore."

Credit: Michael Shapcott

As if it happened over the weekend, I have no trouble recalling how being bullied felt.  As a child in the throes of puberty, my emotions were all over the place, but hormones were not the cause the heartache, soul-thrashing, and isolation I suffered on a daily basis.  Every day was a monumental effort.  On school days I hung on just to get to dismissal time, surviving the bus rides and getting back home where I finally felt safe.  Weekends were filled with anxiety and worry about the next school week coming.

The breast-grabbing incident was humiliating and traumatic, to say the least.  So much so, that, at the age of 11, feeling like there would be no end to the torment, I attempted to smother myself one Saturday afternoon.  I remember holding a pillow over my face and thinking that it would all be over soon.  I wondered if God would forgive me and still let me into heaven.  I thought about how much I'd miss my family. But as is typical with the autonomic human survivor response, I threw off the pillow and gasped for air.  I cried for about an hour afterward, feeling guilty for what I had tried to do, angry that I didn't succeed, and petrified that I had to go back to school on Monday.

Credit: Shelly Grund

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Many, many years later, on a rainy September morning as I was getting ready for work, a neighbor called to say she had picked up my then-5-year-old grandson; he had been walking--alone--along a very heavily-traveled state highway.  He was supposed to be in school; where on earth was he going?  "He was on his way to your house," my neighbor said, "He said the kids are still bothering him."

Image: dreamstime

In kindergarten, my grandson was overweight, almost a head taller than the rest of the kids in his grade, and one of only a handful of bi-racial children in the school. The charter school he attended boasted inclusivity, diversity acceptance and zero-tolerance for bullying behaviors as part of their mission statement.

I brought him to my home and let him talk.  "Honey, why did you leave school to come to my house?"

"The older kids won't stop bothering me, Grammy," he said tearfully.  "They trip me, punch me and take my breakfast.  They call me bad names.  I couldn't take it anymore."  

"What names do they call you, honey?"

"Mommy says I can't say those words."

"It's okay, you can tell Grammy so that Mommy and I can make this stop.  What do they say to you?"

He whispered, "Fat-ass, lard-ass, blimp, effin retard and fag."

My heart broke into a million pieces.  

"How long have they been bothering you?"

"Since the first day of school.  Mommy told the teacher about it, but Mrs. Jones don't do nothing [sic]."

"Well, Grammy is going to make sure this doesn't happen again."

I brought my grandson back to the school, and asked to speak with the principal. After waiting 30 minutes to see him (which further allowed my anger to seethe exponentially), I introduced myself and asked, "How in the world is it possible for a 5-year-old to leave your care and your building unnoticed?  He just walked two miles and crossed two major intersections to escape from being continually bullied by older children."

Image: teachersweb.com

The principal couldn't answer my questions, but assured me that all of his teachers had been properly trained in anti-bullying interventions.  I said, "Well, his teacher must have been absent for that training, because the bullying has been going on for three weeks, she has not intervened adequately, and my grandson put himself in danger because no one in this school is protecting him.  No one even noticed he was missing after having breakfast in the cafeteria!  He could have been picked up by anyone to never be seen again."

He called down for my grandson's teacher to come to the office, and I lit into her as well.  She said she hadn't had time to compare the attendance in her class with that of the breakfast club.  She also thought the "conflict" with the other kids was long over.  I reluctantly released him to her care, and the principal promised to look further into this...probably as a way to appease me so I'd get the hell outta his office.

I drove straight to a nearby television station, and told this story to a reporter, who interviewed me on camera.  It aired twice that evening, and although the reporter tried to get a response from the school, all they got was "No comment."

Image: W.K. Jensen Literary Agency

By the end of that week, my daughter got him into another school.  The rest of his kindergarten year went without further incident.

The charter school closed by December of that year for a variety of reasons.

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This story has a happy ending.  My grandson is now a very well-adjusted, kind, respectful, considerate and well-liked high school student, and he has not been bullied since.  He's determined to go to a Division I college where he can play lacrosse and football. 

As far as I can see, the incidents in kindergarten haven't had a long-term negative impact on his life.

I know first-hand, however, that some people aren't as lucky.


(c) Robyn M. King 2013. All Rights Reserved.   

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's not a goose.

I recently read a blog post from a well-known, respected expert on the topic of workplace bullying, Kathleen Bartle.  She has developed a new term for bullying behaviors in the workplace, especially in higher education:  Strategic Abrasive Behavior.  I am personally and professionally offended by her view, and what follows is the response I sent to her through LinkedIn.  [It will make more sense if you read the post first; click on her name above.]

 

I have worked my entire career in higher education.  I have witnessed (or have been the target of) the behaviors you describe.  But I must respectfully disagree with the term you've assigned to them. 

Bullying is strategic.  Bullying is abrasive.  Bullying is aggressive.  Bullying is humiliating and soul-killing.  Bullying is rooted in wielding power and control over another with the intent to harm and/or humiliate. 

People who bully are extremely insecure, and when questioned or stood up to, they will strike out with a powerful vengeance with no regard for the other person.  So when this "person in power" no longer has a target to abuse--because the recipient of the venomous, insidious behaviors has no choice but to leave the environment--The Powerful One will find another target.  It's a dysfunctional strategy to claw their way to or keep themselves at the top because they subconsciously believe they don't have the skills, expertise and knowledge to do it on their own.  They have to make others look and feel bad so they can look and feel good. 

Bullying is always situational, whether it be in a school, on a college campus or in the workplace.  But regardless of where these behaviors take place, it is never personal for the bully (they have an incapacity for empathy), but is always ABSOLUTELY personal for the target.

Let's call these behaviors exactly what they are:  Bullying.  To minimize or recategorize them with another fancy name is a slap in the face for everyone who's been on the receiving end.  And targets have been slapped around enough.

QUESTION:  What do you think of Kathleen's view?

(c) 2013 Robyn M. Posson.  All Rights Reserved.